Santa's Stuck In Baltimore!

If you aren't familiar with all of the baltimore references, we've posted the lyrics below, with explanations of everything Baltimore.

Lyrics, with Baltimore References Explained!

Who’s gonna missile your toe,
and who’s gonna stuff your sock,
When santa's stuffing dollar bills
in garters on the block,
***“The Block” is the strip-club area of Baltimore. Santa would have a real good time there.***

Who’s gonna jingle your bells,
and Who’s gonna reign your deer,
If santa’s stuck in Baltimore this year,

Put some crabs and beer can angels on your tree,
***Baltimorons love crabs so much that we decorate our trees with them. We even paint the shells of dead crabs with festive christmas scenes.***
***There is also a local artist who makes decorative angels out of Natty Boh cans.***
Praise BGE for the miracle on 34th street,
***34th street is a block in the Hampden neighborhood that WAY over-decorates. We give thanks to Baltimore Gas and Electric for supplying the electricity for all of their lights***
Decorate Poe’s grave with cognac colored lights,
***Edgar Allen Poe is buried in Baltimore, and for many years a mysterious someone would put a bottle of cognac on his grave on the night of his birthday***
John Waters is wearing green and red christmas-colored tights,
***John Waters is from Baltimore, and is universally beloved here. I don’t think he actually wears tights.***

Who’s gonna deck your hall,
and who’s gonna snow your man,
When santa writes his naughty list,
with a Big Boyz Bail Bonds pen,
***Local bail bondsmen Big Boyz’ marketing pens are so ubiquitous in Baltimore that the pen has become their logo, instead of their logo that is on their pen.***

Who’s gonna yule your log,
Who’s gonna reign your deer,
when Santa’s stuck in Baltimore this year!

Oh the Ho Ho Hos aren’t jolly,
and the elves aren’t wearing green,
Rudolph's nose won’t shine tonight,
Cuz santa’s stuck, drunk, duck-pin bowling…..
***Duckpin bowling uses tiny pins and balls. But grownups take it very seriously. And drink a lot while playing.***

Who’s gonna missile your toe,
and who’s gonna stuff your sock,
When Santa's stuffing dollar bills,
in garters on the block,

Put some crabs and beer can angels on your tree,
praise BGE for the miracle on 34th street,
Decorate Poe’s grave with cognac colored lights,
John water’s wearing green and red christmas-colored tights,

Santa’s stuck in baltimore,
But there’s no need to cry,
his sleigh is filled with tons of gifts,
and he’s found someone to fly it,
Though it may fly in circles,
for he only has one eye...
That’s right boys and girls,
Christmas will be brought to you this year
by the National Bohemian guy!
***National Bohemian is the traditional beer of choice in Baltimore, and it’s mascot is Mr. Boh - who only has one eye.***

Put some crabs and beer can angels on your tree,
praise BGE for the miracle on 34th street,
Decorate Poe’s grave with cognac colored lights,
John water’s wearing green and red christmas-colored tights,

For jolly old St. Nick is stuck in Baltimore tonight….